>> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is, your moment of zen. >> we have a lot more for you right after this. ♪ you know you make me want to shout ♪ kick my heels up and shout throw my hands up andcaptioningy comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh

access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen] >> stephen: nice! [cheers and applause] nice! [cheers and applause] welcome to the report. [cheers and applause]

thank you so much. thank you. [cheers and applause] welcome to the report. good to have you with us. folks -- [cheers and applause] we've got to get to this news. [cheers and applause] folks -- [cheers and applause] thank you so much. i understand. believe me i understand the feeling. this is how i start my day. [cheers and applause] folks we've got to get to it because america is rapidly approaching a day of reckoning that will have massive implications for all of us. because tomorrow is the deadline for owners of the nissan leaf to submit ideas for the official leaf wave that leaf owners will use when saying hello to each other. [laughter] obama's shown no leadership on

this! [laughter] now, as a proud petroleum-american, i already have my own wave i use to greet electric cars. ka-pow. but -- [cheers and applause] but nissan is talking about the long tradition of owners of the same cars acknowledging each other on the road. for instance, jeep has the two finger wave, the vw beetle has the hang loose, [laughter] the pt cruiser has the "please god don't let anyone see me driving this thing." [laughter] and now, the electric crowd wants in on the fun with an exclusive wave to be used between leaf owners and i have no doubt it will catch on. because the grassroots-organic-slow-food-loc avore types who buy electric cars love manufactured traditions created by the marketing wings of mulitnational corporations. [laughter] [cheers and applause]

and so do these people. [laughter] just listen to the enthusiastic comments on the leaf's facebook page. "we have not seen anyone else driving a leaf around houston." [laughter] and "i'm still waiting to find another leaf on the road." not to mention, the encouragement from non-leaf owners like this actual post: suck my balls, hippies. [laughter] [cheers and applause] that's both a generous invitation and a great idea for a wave. [laughter] but nissan has their own suggestions. first, the highly innovative idea to wave by waving. or a gesture that says "i'm driving a nissan leaf and pretending it's a jeep cherokee" and a third one which says: "how much of a zero am i for waving at someone just 'cause we own the same car?" [laughter]

well my sense of competition trumps my disdain for smug liberals trying to save the earth. so i'd like to submit a wave of my own. i'm -- it's actually more of a hand poem. when you see a fellow leaf owner on the road, take both hands off wheel and tell the story of pachamama the benevolent earth mother of the andes who cried because of carbon pollution falling on her face. [laughter] so she closed her eyes to the evil of the world. [laughter] at this point you'll want a hand signal to communicate with the fireman cutting you free of your car with the jaws of life. point is, nissan. no hand signals! ten and two! those are the rules. [cheers and applause]

[laughter] nation, the fallout from the housing crisis continues. this week it was revealed that the justice department is investigating wells fargo bank for allegedly steering african-american borrowers with good credit to subprime mortgages. which explains wells fargo's short-lived spokesman sir owes-a-lot. (rapping) he likes big debts, and he can apply! you other brothers can't deny, when a banker walks in with an itty-bitty rate and a big loan in your face, you get sprung! [cheers and applause] but now, one man is standing up to wells fargo. and winning the fight, he is tonight's difference maker. [cheers and applause] ♪

for too many years, average homeowners have been powerless against big banks but if philadelphia, one man, patrick rogers fought back and actually foreclosed on the foreclosers as we learned from cnn's don lemon. >> thank you for joining us. you are becoming a folk hero among homeowners especially those stresd about paying their mortgages. there's been some resident resolution to this case, hadn't there? >> there has. >> stephen: does he have fangs? oh, my god he's not a difference maker he's a vampire. this story got good. go get 'em don. >> you are a hero to a lot of people and thank you for coming on. >> stephen: what? no -- don, ask him about being a vampire. do you see the little teeth right there? those are vampire teeth. he has -- ask him!

ask him. i know what to do. come here. come on! let's go. taxi. [laughter] go. horn. this is how we -- the people with shops open, none of that is happening now. >> make sure you stay safe out there. we'll have much more on the flooding coming up. >> stephen: excuse me. >> what are you doing here? >> stephen: i have a question to ask you. >> i'm in the middle of a broadcast. >> stephen: who isn't? hold on sanjay. did you talk to a guy who foreclosed on a bank? >> i did. >> stephen: did you not notice he was a vampire? >> i did notice he had sharp thao *et. >> stephen: at no point did your journalistic instincts kick in and say that's a more

interesting story. >> it's a lifestyle. >> stephen: i didn't realize it was a lifestyle choice. i didn't know we had to be accepting of a vampire. >> why are you so judgmental. >> stephen: you turned that man into the jackie robinson of vampires thank is offensive on a lot of levels. >> stephen: it is and i do not forgive you. >> you should get out of here. >> stephen:ly but before i go, i want to say this, i truly enjoyed your book transparent, a candid memoir that had the "new york times" called.24.95. fox news missed the story, too. >> good luck to you and thanks for telling your story. >> thanks for having me on. >> stephen: cable news has completely lost its way. they brought into the sexy vampire cover model image when vampires are undead monsters that journalists have a sworn

duty to protect us from. a job they used to know how to do. >> these boys missed an opportunity to nail that vampire. >> stephen: legendary anchorman dan rather, who is old school srk ready to handle the undead at a moment's notice. >> if i was interviewing henry kissinger about the secret bombings in came cambodia and discovered he was a zombie, i would have asked him whether he enjoyed eating human brains. that didn't happen but that's what i would have done. >> stephen: that's what i would have to do. it was up to me to blow the coffin hr *eud off sortie and skphroez vampires for what they truly are. i tracked the vampire here to his four bed yom tudor in suburban philadelphia. >> my name is patrick rogers, i am a vampire. >> stephen: this is the face

of evil. [laughter] and these are the hands of evil. brushing the hair of evil. [laughter] and these are the thumbs of evil texting on the blackberry of satan. [laughter] who knows what ancient and unspeakable rituals he performs on this cursed ground. [laughter] [cheers and applause] but do you sleep in a coffin? >> i don't not sleep in a coffin. >> stephen: then you have bats? >> i don't have any bats. >> stephen: you at least want to feast on our terror. >> i assure you, i have no interest in your terror. [laughter] >> stephen: dan, help me out

here. what is with the teeth. >> stephen: what is with the teeth patrick. >> what i can tell you is that they are pointy. i have a pair of elongated canines on both sides but i don't drink blood. >> okay. >> stephen: fine, no coffin, no bats, no blood, is there anything interesting about you at all? >> i have successfully sued the nation's fourth large yet bank. >> stephen: wait, what? >> in were irregularities with my mortgage. after sending many letters to we wells fargo and getting no response i sued them and i won the lawsuit. they didn't pay the judgment entered against them so i had a sheriff's levee placed against their downtown philadelphia office and within two days i had a check in my hands for the judgment amount. i'm satisfied with the resolution of the situation. >> stephen: wow, that is a great story.

patrick rogers, even though you may be a horrifying undead creature who rules the night, you turned the tables on some real blood suckers and for that, you are a difference maker! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ ♪

♪ grey goose. world's best tasting vodka.

[cheers and applause] >> stephen: thank you very much. welcome back, everybody. thank you. [cheers and applause] folks -- [cheers and applause] i've said this quite a few times on this show before so it shouldn't come as any surprise,

i'm no fan of periodic table. if you ask me, noble gases are just elitist elements. [laughter] look how cruelly they excluded ununoctium. no wonder he's so unstable! [laughter] but i've always been a fan of helium, because i love lighter-than-air travel. every summer i load the family into the zeppelin and the kids ask: "where are we going, daddy? when will we get there?" and my answer is always the same: "downwind, and eventually." [laughter] sadly, the golden era of dirigibles may soon be ending. >> it appears the clock is ticking on helium, the gas we -- the u.s. helium reserve says it come run in by 2020. the agency is the source of almost half the u.s. helium supply, more than a third of the world's. it's not a renewable resource so

once it's gone it's gone. >> stephen: our helium supply is running out! and we have no other source of helium -- other than hunting balloons in the wild. but they're hard to catch, as seen in this classic french nature documentary. and thanks to their natural camouflage abilities, they can disguise themselves as almost any animal: dog, giraffe, or even a snake. no, jimmy, the balloon versions, not the real ones! what? wow, they're good. this helio-crisis hits home for me because i have a serious medical condition. due to the massive size of my balls, my natural voice is extremely low. [laughter] i have a prescription for helium to maintain this pitch you hear now let me show you. [in a very low voice] this is how i normally talk. it's dangerous.

if i hit what is known as the brown note, it can cause humans to void their bowels. [laughter] again, my apologies to doris kerns goodwin. let me crank myself back up. [sounding normal] ahh, that's better. [cheers and applause] luckily, i've been preparing for just such a shortage. which is why last year, i bought my own strategic reserve of helium-filled balloons. what no! what happened? they were full just last month! noooooooo-- --ooooooooooooooo! not my balloons! we'll be right back.

vo: if you like facebook, come to best buy. where an expert will find the perfect phone for you.

like the at&t htc status. it let's you post instantly to facebook with a push of a button. and it's free! with no mail in rebates. of course, just because you can share on a whim, doesn't mean you should. the at&t htc status. free, with no mail in rebates. at best buy.

everybody. [cheers and applause] my guest tonight is a former fighter-pilot who designs semi-autonomous flying surveillance drones at m.i.t. big deal, i can put together an ikea stool. [laughter] please welcome missy cummings. [cheers and applause] wooo! [cheers and applause] check it out. hey, nice to meet you, missy. would you care to join us? [cheers and applause] [laughter] nice landing. [cheers and applause] all right, all right miss cummings, you were one of the navy's first female fighter pilots? >> that's correct. >> stephen: you are now an associate professor at the m.i.t.'s director of ayer naughtics and the director of human and auto immediate consideration lab. are you making man-machine hybrids? what does that do? >> not quite so exotic. we're trying to make technology

easier for humans to use. >> stephen: like -- what could be, you know harder than this? [laughter] this can't be easy. >> this technology is actually off the shelf. you can buy one of these yourself. what we've done that is fairly novel in our lab is we designed a controller thawk mount on an iphone, android,droid, that alls anyone with three minutes of training to fly those around. >> stephen: i'll call bs on you. yesterday i tried to do this myself with your phone operator. jim? oh. [laughter] you're welcome. not everybody gets an

opportunity to have their very expensive toy destroyed by me. what is this going to cost me? >> $5,000. >> stephen: do you take super pac money? [laughter] [cheers and applause] am i just not good? am i just not good? can really anybody do this in three minutes of training? >> within a 95% confidence interval. >> stephen: i thought you were a fighter pilot. >> yes. >> stephen: how many of these drones or drones like this are being deployed right now on the battlefield? >> they are not operational right new on the battlefield. part of the research we're doing at mit and other places is to make them operational. how can we take the technology and replace what they have in the field right now? the idea is that this little one to two pound vehicle can replace a 45-pound -- sorry a 100 pound unmanned air vehicle and that the operators have to carry a 45-pound communication pack.

>> stephen: where could this guy be operating it? >> could you take it in the pack backpack. instead of 100 pounds you could put this in the air. we put this on the iphone because army people are issued smart phones. we want them to take the gear that they have. >> stephen: really an iphone. how is at&t's reception in kandahar? five bars? it seems like we have drones fighting in libya, right? we have drones fighting in -- these are like the unsung heroes of iraq, afghanistan and libya and the heros ferl -- of some of our unsung wars like in pakistan and yemen, right? [laughter] are drone pilots going to be taking over domestic flights as well? i'm in the sure if i want to hear someone this is your captain speaking bleep, blorp.

do i have that to fear? >> most commercial jets can fly on their own right now. >> stephen: they can? >> planes take off every day with a pilot never touching the stick in today's world. >> stephen: i am going to buy some train tickets. [laughter] there could be semi auto ton muss planes out there? >> they will are. the pilot is sitting there watching and the making sure everything goes okay. this happens more in europe than it does in the united states. we actually have a cultural issue. we're not as open to it as potentially people in other countries. >> stephen: we've been warned by document ricks like 2001-a space odd i did that the robots will rise up against us. how do i know this robot is r2d2 and in the the how 9000.

because it has american flags on it. >> stephen: you are speaking my language. if you'd like to go, go ahead. say goodbye, everybody. you may be a master at human machine interaction. >> i'm ready. >> stephen: let's see whether you can beat me at rock 'em sock 'em robots. before we go thank for joining me. >> my pleasure. director of

you didn't get a miller lite?

no. what's the difference? miller lite has more taste. i don't care. i just got one of these. well that's the second unmanly thing you've done today. what was the first? ahhhhh! get me off this thing right now! get me off this thing! get me off this thing! yeah, i guess that was unmanly... [ male announcer ] man up. choose a light beer with more taste. grab a miller lite vortex bottle. taste greatness. hey, look. i made t-shirts! awesome.

[cheers and applause] >> stephen: that's it for the report, everybody. good night. [cheers and applause] (bleep). [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause]